Top This (A Travesty in Two Acts)

                                                                                                                                                        ACT I

Scene 1

SETTING
Place: Hawk Channel, Florida Keys
Time: Early Sunday afternoon

Cap'n Jane and her trusty XO, Ean, are approaching Looe Key Reef where they plan to pick up a mooring ball for a couple of hours so Jane can put on her snorkeling gear and try out her new
underwater camera.

Cap'n Jane

OK, Let's put the sails down.

XO Ean

WTF!

Cap'n Jane

What's wrong?

XO Ean

The topping lift just came undone!

(They both look aloft.)

Cap'n Jane

Oh, yeah, there it is.  I see it.  Good thing you stopped winching when you did.  We'll deal with that tomorrow.  OK, I'm into the wind.  Drop the main.  

ACTII

Scene 1

SETTING

Place: an anchorage off Summerland Key

Time: late morning, two days later

Cap'n Jane is nearing the top of the mast looking for the topping lift, XO Ean is on deck grinding the winch. 

XO Ean

(Panting) How much further?

Cap'n Jane

About eight feet.

XO Ean

(Gasping for breath) Aaaaahhhhhh!  OK, I'm....just.....gonna take...a...little break.

Cap'n Jane

Just imagine if I were trying to winch you up.

XO Ean

I'd be captain by now.

Cap'n Jane

You're only captain in the event that I go overboard.  Check your Facebook page if you don't believe me.

XO Ean

Yeah...what'd'ya think...'ll...happen right after...you die...of a...heart attack?

Cap'n Jane

OK, that's it.  Bring me down.

XO Ean

Are you done up there?

Cap'n Jane

No.

XO Ean

Then no.

Cap'n Jane

Hate you. (pause)

Well, I can't use the messenger, I  can't get it out of it's hole, I can't put it in the right hole.  This is hopeless.  Do you have the camera handy-by?

XO Ean

National Non Sequitur Association.  We may not make sense, but we do like pizza. (pause)  No, Why?

Cap'n Jane

Do you see this thing in my hand?

XO Ean

Yes, it's our windex.  Why are you holding it?

Cap'n Jane

So you can take a picture.

XO Ean

A picture of what?

Cap'n Jane

Of it being in my hand.

XO Ean

Are you getting enough oxygen up there?

Cap'n Jane

I just want photographic evidence that this wasn't attached properly...like, at all.

XO Ean

Ah, OK, got it--no, wait--the boat moved.  OK...doh!  moved again.  One more time...damn!  This whole craft is moving.  Hold still.  OK, got it.  Can you reattach it?

Cap'n Jane

Sure, Until we get a 25 knot or better breeze.

XO  Ean

(After bringing Cap'n Jane back down.)  Well, that's a relief.  

Cap'n Jane

What's a relief?

XO Ean

The topping lift and the windex, that's two things broken today already and it's not even two o'clock. One more and we're done for the day.  I'll make lunch.

Scene 2

Back inside the boat.  Cap'n Jane is by the door; XO Ean is in the galley.

XO Ean

Hon, don't worry.  We'll find someone to fix the topping lift and the windex.  Maybe we can get SALT to meet us in Key West. 

(pause)

That's weird.  I can't get the oven to work.  The stove works, but it's like there's no propane getting to the oven.

THE END